Stupid Heroes Halloween Special: The DELL SUPERMONSTERS

This Halloween, I figured I'd share one of my favorite obscure comic book oddities , THE DELL SUPERMONSTERS.

Y'see, in 1963,  Dell Comics (the comic book imprint of Dell Publishing , naturally) acquired the licenses on the Universal Monsters, and produced three one shot comics featuring DRACULA, The FRANKENSTEIN Monster,  and (my personal favorite of these books) THE CREATURE (from the Black Lagoon).

And, then....for about four years,  they did pretty much nothing with the licenses.

The covers are some pretty gorgeous pieces of painted work, at least....

Dracula comic book....or, Harlequin romance novel?  

Oh, Gill Man....how I love you.

Then, sometime in 1966, somebody sitting around Dell editorial said, "Hey...the kids seem to dig this BATMAN TV show, and superheroes are big at the moment...how do we cash in on this hub- bub?"

"I know!  Let's take that old Universal license....and make 'em superheroes! "

The "secret of Dracula's strange new powers"?  Has to be that snazzy new suit...

OMG!  Blimps and shit! Run!

I don't know WTF is happening here...but it looks intense.

DRACULA was the story of a modern day descendant of the literary Dracula who figured out how to replicate the Count's supernatural powers....with fucking SCIENCE,  bitches...and then decided to grow a moral stance and fight crime.

Fuck Yeah!  It's Frankenstein, baby!

This looks messed up.

Giant spiders?!?!  Fuck that noise...

FRANKENSTEIN was the tale of....well, the actual Frankenstein Monster showing up at his old creator's castle one day, assuming the idenity of one his descendants (which facilitated the need for him to create a flesh colored mask to pass for...y'know. ..human) and put on a red onesy to help humanity overcome injustice...and stuff.

Git that Communist!  Git 'em!  Good boy!

WEREWOLF- All about punching the fuck outta tyrants...and then siccing his weird feral cavedog on their ass...

Thrilling scuba action,  folks!

And, then.....there was WEREWOLF,  the weirdest of the three.  Weird because he's not a werewolf....just a secret agent in a weird full body stealthsuit who hangs out with what vaguely resembles a mutant canine type creature....like the old George Carlin bit about taking a mixed breed to the vet, and after you put it on the exam table, the vet tells you, "Well....it ain't a monkey."

Man, comics in the sixties were fucking weird.

Blubberpuss: Five Comic Books That Made Me Cry As A Child (And.....As An Adult) Part 2

Continuing my cryfest.....

3.) FINAL CRISIS #6 (January 2009) "How To Murder The Earth "

Writer:  Grant Morrison
Artist: JG Jones

I'm a huge fan of genius Scotsman comic book writer Grant Morrison (BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM,  ANIMAL MAN, THE DOOM PATROL, ALL-STAR SUPERMAN). His love and respect for the conventions and cliches of the superhero genre are evident in the wonderfully strange and baffling ways he tends to warp and twist them in new, inventive directions.

But, sometimes, some of his ideas are way too big to wrap one's head around....the scope is so epic, it appears fragmented....and one of his stories I'm still having trouble grasping is 2009's FINAL CRISIS, which outwardly appears to be just another in a long line of multi-title, heavily advertised crossover epics whose plot is supposed to shake up a company's status quo that seem to be published about once every six months these days....but, with Morrison involved, the shit gets deep...and weird, which is the least to say.

Darkseid: Multiversal Big Meanie

The overall premise of FINAL CRISIS is heady:  Darkseid, the Apokaliptian God of Evil from Jack Kirby's 1970s NEW GODS saga is attacking Earth again.....you may remember him being the bad guy from the last few seasons of the SUPER FRIENDS if, like me, you grew up in the 1980s....or, you may have heard talk about him if you've been keeping up on fan theories connected to the recent BATMAN V. SUPERMAN and SUICIDE SQUAD movies (the upcoming JUSTICE LEAGUE, also).  That weird shit nobody understood involving Lex Luthor at the end of BvS and the weird antlered monster?  That's supposed to be (spoilers) Steppenwolf,  Darkseid's uncle.....fuck it....just go Google "Jack Kirby " and "New Gods".  It's complicated,  to say the least.

Jack Kirby's THE NEW GODS #1 (1972)

Anyways,  Darkseid is murdering all the rest of his fellow New Gods in hopes of destroying the universe and recreating it in his image.  This involves a bunch of crazy shit....like the Flash out running Death to warn the superhero community of the bad guys plot, Batman shooting Darkseid with a bullet that travels back in time designed to kill deities,  a virus that mutates lower life forms into PLANET OF THE APES style anthropomorphic beasts, humanity driven mad 28 DAYS LATER-style, epic space battles involving the Green Lantern Corp....and Superman basically going to superhero heaven to play a cosmic saxophone that destroys alien vampires.

Like I said.   Weird.

The main problem many fans have with FINAL CRISIS is it's structure.  I tried to explain it to a friend of mine once: "It's fragmented.  Imagine each issue is 22 pages of the most awesome action scenes you've ever read, comic book-wise.  The only problem is, they're 22 pages from 22 different comics thrown together into one book with no rhyme or reason....in the first issue there's this epic two page scene of battalions of Green Lantern Corp members lead by Hal Jordan descending into a black hole in combat formations preparing to kick cosmic ass...and it immediately cuts to the Flash trying to outrun the Black Racer (the New God of Death....who manifests himself as a black guy dressed in a medieval suit of armor riding skis.    Again. ...I stress...weird. ).  There's no interconnectiveness (is that even a word ?) in the plot....no segueway whatsoever.   It looks awesome. ....but....what the fuck is going on?"

The Black Racer ( Jack Kirby's original)

Final Crisis interpretation

Well, needless to say, amongst all this world shaking bizarreness,  the standard MAN OF STEEL climax style property damage inflicting superhero brawl breaks out between the last heroes standing on Earth and the combined forces of an army of virus mutated humanity and animals (due to the aforementioned virus) led by Darkseid's son, Kalibak, and the female portion of  Captain Marvel's family, Mary Marvel...who has been corrupted by Darkseid and taken to wearing what looks like a vinyl fetish bondage wet dream outfit (did I mention "Weird" ?).  During this battle, Kalibak is confronted by one of the goofier additions to Captain Marvel's 1940s mythos, and a personal favorite of mine:  Mary Marvel's invisible pookah friend (nice HARVEY reference,  BTW) brought to life by the Power of SHAZAM....Mister Tawky Tawny.

Tawny,  for the uninformed,  is one of the sillier concepts bourne out of Captain Marvel's Golden Age days: an anthropomorphic tiger who has a tendency to wear bowties and bad plaid jackets...but I've loved him to death since I was a kid.

And while reading FINAL CRISIS #6, and it began looking like Morrison was writing in a direction that was gonna have Tawky die at the hands of Kalibak....I can remember seeing a panel of Tawky bloodied and down...and physically dropping the comic onto the floor.

I walked away, cursing Morrison with watering eyes, and actually saying aloud, " Do not do this, Morrison. Do not kill Tawky Tawny....not for the sake of your "epic miniseries"...."

It took a full 20 minutes to recollect myself and work up the courage to continue reading,  bracing myself by just accepting whatever may happen in the story....

....only to be immediately relieved to see Tawny come back and defeat Kalibak  Via disembowelment,  no less.

Yayyyy! He gutted him!

My emotional distress over the well being of a make believe cartoon tiger made me weep, throw a physical tantrum, and leave the room....at the age of 35 (which was how old I was when I read it).

  Now, either I suffer from an extreme case of functional arrested emotional development. ...or comic books are telling complex and moving stories, no matter how goofy the premise may be.   You be the judge.

DC LEGACIES #4 (October 2010) "Snapshot:  Remembrance "

Writer: Len Wein
Artist:  Joe Kubert

I've never particularly been a fan of war comics.  It seems to be a genre whose popularity had waned just prior to my birth.  And, admittedly,  most read like every old episode of COMBAT! you've ever seen, but....

I've always carried a strange love for the war comics of the Silver Age DC and Marvel variety, for fairly eclectic reasons.

As a genre, war comics pretty much had their start in excellent storytelling hands, over at the E.C. Comics offices in the early 1950s under the pen of Harvey Kurtzman.  His title, TWO FISTED TALES, was approached with the same visceral drive as E.C.'s more popular horror and sci fi books (notably TALES FROM THE CRYPT and WEIRD SCIENCE). Kurtzman (who would later co create MAD MAGAZINE with E.C. publisher Bill Gaines) was a WW2 veteran, and each of his war comics depicted combat in a very brutal, terrifying realistic manner....."war is hell" was his dogma.

Now, D.C.' s Silver Age war book stars approached their stories in the same manner, usually under the guidence of writer Robert Kahnigher and artist Joe Kubert (you may recognize the name. ...he's considered one of the last century's greatest comic book artists....and there's that whole deal of the school that he ran and is named after him). War was hell for D.C.'s soldiers (especially SGT. ROCK and ENEMY ACE, two signature Kubert characters), but as I did mention eclectic,  I always dug it when D.C. added elements of the fantastic to the mix: THE HAUNTED TANK, G.I. ROBOT, THE CREATURE COMMANDOS. ...and all those soldiers that ended up on Dinosaur Island in THE WAR TIME FORGOT.

But, SGT. ROCK was D.C.'s flagship soldier.  In the 1970s, fans eager to learn of the fate of Frank Rock and Easy Company after the close of the war bombarded the letter columns of his book, to which Kahnigher replied with what was to become an unwritten editorial edict amongst D.C.'s offices:

"As far as I'm concerned ROCK is the only authentic World War II Soldier. For obvious reasons. He and Easy Company live only, and will eventually die, to the last man, in World War II."

For years, it was hinted that Rock was to be considered the last man killed by the last enemy bullet fired during WW2.

And, in DC LEGACIES #4, in the back up story entitled "Snapshot: Remembrance ".....this was finally depicted.

The scene is a small bar in Washington D.C., the evening of July the 4th, 1976.  As the nation celebrates the Bicentennial,  a small group of veterans gather together to talk of old times.    They are revealed to be Capt. Storm of THE LOSERS, Gunner and Sarge (sans the late K-9 friend, Pooch), Native American air ace JOHNNY CLOUD, and African American commando codenamed GRAVEDIGGER.  They mention the whereabouts of former Haunted Tank commander Jeb Stuart (he's teaching now), which leads to the realization they're only truly missing one man at this party:  Frank Rock...and they begin to tell the sad tale why.

The armistice has been called...and either the German soldiers haven't been informed, or they don't care.   There's a child trapped by the crossfire. ....and, well,   Rock does what he always does:    be a good soldier.  Sgt. Rock dies, the last man struck down by the last bullets fired in anger. 

The shock of finally seeing what comic book readers had been told for years would happen was just a little bit too much for this then 36 year old fanboy.

Two poignant side notes, the bartender, "Bob" in the story is depicted by Kubert to resemble the late writer Robert Kahnigher,  and if I'm not mistaken in my research, this is the last story featuring Rock and Easy Co. Kubert would illustrate prior to his own passing about a year and a half later in 2012.

Blubberpuss: Five Comic Books That Made Me Cry As A Child (And.....As An Adult) Part 1

 Dredging up memories about stories that evoked tears may seem like a painful and depressing exercise in some folks eyes,  but I think that such stories deserve showcasing simply on the merits that if their words and images illicited that powerful of a physical, real emotional response, then there's something powerful happening in a medium that for decades was thought of as worthless trash fiction ti be consumed by children and thrown away.  Try telling that to the bug shots at Disney who are raking in about a BILLION DOLLARS a movie on all those Marvel films these days....

1.)  THE NEW TEEN TITANS #38 ( 1983)  "Who Is Donna Troy? "

Writer: Marv Wolfman

Artist: George Perez

The character of Wonder Girl, Wonder Woman's representative sidekick amongst the Teen Titans roster has always had,  shall we say, a complex and confusing history.  Her canon amongst the DC Comics superheroes has always been kinda half assed and weird,  changing at least every decade or so to fit the storytelling whims of whatever the current DC creative talent happens to be.

When the character first appeared in the late 1950s/early 60s, her stories were relegated to back ups in the regular monthly WONDER WOMAN title, and were presented as being tales taken from Princess Diana's teenage years, much like how the pre-CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS Superboy was supposed to be the tales of a teenage Clark Kent in Smallville, pre-Metropolis. 

This was all fine and dandy until at some point in the early 1960s, the TEEN TITANS debuted and someone decided that there needed to be a female member, so they put her on the team.  Now, chronologically,  this makes no sense:  if her teammates are Robin, Speedy, Kid Flash and Aqualad (the teenage sidekick contingent of the then current JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA, how can the teenage Diana be running around with the Titans,  while the adult version of Wonder Woman be hanging out as a member of the JLA....AT THE SAME TIME?

This problem was solved by then claiming Wonder Girl was a completely different character: Donna Troy, teenage ward of Princess Diana.  And, this worked for about a decade and a half....

In the early 1980s, DC had successfully relaunched the Teen Titans property as THE NEW TEEN TITANS, under the supervision of writer Marv Wolfman (always loved his name) and artist George Perez, changing the direction slightly of the cast of characters and adding some new cast members (Starfire, Cyborg,  and Raven).  Now, the Titans were pretty much only "Teen" in name, advancing their ages a few years to the vague 19 to 24 range, and tackling much more soap opera character dynamic driven style stories.  Sure, they still fought supervillains and wore costumes, but there was a WHOLE LOT of youthful angst and pathos being spread around.  Then, those pesky fans (myself included) began writing in, asking things like:

"Why haven't we seen an origin story for Wonder Girl?  And....what was up with those weird-ass stories back in the day when you guys claimed she wasn't Donna Troy, but a teenage Diana?  And.....WTF is up with Wonder Tot?*"

* This is an actual thing....a baby Wonder Woman that ran around in several stories in the 60s.  Google that shit.

So, Wolfman and Perez (names to remember,  because of their status of being the architects of the aforementioned canon reboot, 1985's CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS) decided to tackle this story....and the results were particularly poignant and moving, moreso than superhero comic books have any right to be.

First, there's the structure of the story....it's pretty inventive.  It's basically a procedural detective story, with twentysomething Dick Grayson, just a few issues away from giving up the Robin alter ego and taking on the popular guise of Nightwing that all the kids these days seem to dig, serving the role of investigator.  He's been tasked by Donna Troy and her fiancee Terry in figuring out Donna's true identity,  it's origins being a shroud of mystery due to her adoption as an infant by the Amazons of Paradise Island.

This leads Robin and Wonder Girl on a path littered with an old toy doll of Donna's from her infancy, involvement in child trafficking,  a set of adoptive parents she had forgotten, and an elderly woman who ran an orphanage who knows who Donna Troy's real name.

Now, this was the first scene when I was a nine year old reader in 1983 that made me start to well up as if I'd just fallen and skinned my knee.  It was due to the sudden realization that....I'm sure this is an experience that any adopted child goes through whenever they choose to see out their true origins, but the shock and astonishment that comes with discovering one's true given birth name, especially if one's had been altered during the adoption process, must be completely overwhelming.  

 I'd imagine it'd be like discovering one possesses a completely different identity separate from the one they know.

The second set of waterworks came later in book during a point in the plot in which Donna is reunited with the woman who was her adoptive mother prior to being taken in by the Amazons. 

Wolfman and Perez would go onto collaborate, respectively writing and providing the art for the later NEW TEEN TITANS story arc "The Judas Contract" (which recently was adapted into an animated feature ) and the aforementioned 1985 DC Comics crossover event/ continuity cleaning exercise CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS.

2. GREEN LANTERN #55 ( August 2010) "Tales of the Red Lantern Corps: Dex-Starr"

Writer: Geoff Johns

Artist: Shawn Davis

I'm a big softie for animals.  Not to the point where I've given up a carnivorous lifestyle (because, let's face it, some animals are delicious), but I've taken in my share of strays.  I've always had a soft spot for cats (as well as superheroes, but more on this later), simply because I dig their personalities.  I've always said that dogs may be man's best friend....but cats tolerate us.  Tolerating the rest of humanity seems to be a gig I've had going for four decades now, so I can identify.

As a GREEN LANTERN fan of long standing, I was extremely happy during the property's most recent peak in popularity amongst comic book nerds during the last decade, with writer (and now DC Comics CCO) Geoff Johns' introduction of the multi-colored Corps and such.....and nothing made me smile more than the rage driven Red Lantern fuzzball from Earth, Dex-Starr.  There's just something inherently equal parts fucked up, adorable and terrifying about a house cat with an anger driven WMD attached to his tail.  But, the story of how Dex got his Red Lantern ring is absolutely heartbreaking, and it's told pretty brilliantly in a six page back up feature in the August 2010 issue of GREEN LANTERN #55....

Upon reading three simple words in poorly constructed misused grammar, I was done for.   " I GOOD KITTY.", indeed....I think it was artist Shawn Davis' inclusion of little cat tears that sends it over the top....

Return to the Planet of the Apes: The Complete Animated Series (1975)'

Return to the Planet of the Apes: The Complete Animated Series (1975)

Running Time: 312 minutes
MPAA Rating: NR
Format: Standard 4:3
Audio: Dolby Digital 5.1
Languages: English, Spanish
Subtitles: English, Spanish, French
Region: 1
MSRP: $19.98

Being a child born in the 1970s (1974, to be exact), it was hard not to become a fan of the classic 20th Century Fox Planet of the Apes franchise. Some of my earliest memories of Christmas toys involve MEGO's Ape action figures; the film and its four sequels were a staple of syndicated television packages for years after their theatrical runs. Though I have no memories of watching the live-action television series (aired on CBS in late 1974), I did catch it later when several episodes were edited together as a series of tele-films.
Hell, I can even stomach that thing with Marky Mark pretending like he's smart enough to be an astronaut and "Mr. Orange" dressed like a monkey....

But the one bit of Ape lore that seemed to escape my viewing experience was the short-lived animated series of 1975. This was remedied by my recent purchase of the 2 disc DVD release of the complete series, a release that was snatched up by my dirty ape-lovin' hands as soon as I was able to track down a copy.  I decided on the eve of the summer release of a third film, WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES, of the current CGI heavy motion capture suit current incarnation of the Apes franchise, it'd be a cool idea to revisit the past by checking out an old version of what the future may have been.

My first impressions of the series are quite favorable...though stricken with the curse of limited animation (but, name one network Saturday morning cartoon produced during that era that didn't suffer from it), it boasts some great writing. The premise is familiar: Astronauts Bill Hudson, Judy Franklin, and Jeff Allen (voiced by Battle For the Planet of the Apes and Assault on Precinct 13 star Austin Stoker) get zapped by the time-whammy and thrown into Earth's future....a future where man is ruled by apes. There they learn to adapt and survive their new surroundings while trying to get a grasp on what's going on.

What really sets the animated series head and shoulders above other cartoons of it's day is the level of storytelling... each episode runs into the next in a serialized fashion, with plot points from earlier episodes being set up and revisited in later ones. Then there's the overall tone of the show, which is at times incredibly bleak and dark, an oddity for childrens shows of it's day. Then, there's the inclusion of several character that were made popular in the live-action film counterpart, such as the ape scientists Cornelius and Zira and their benefactor Dr. Zaius, as well as General Urko (voiced by Henry "Fred Flintstone" Corden), and the human female Nova.

The animated show also has a slightly different take on the future Ape society, one more in line with the automated one depicted in Pierre Boulle's original novel that inspired this whole mess. All in all, a worthy addition to Ape canon, though one that possesses it's own individual quirks...

The transfer is pretty good, though the show's earth-tone pallet of colors (which mirrors that of the live-action feature films) makes the transition into animation in a fairly rough fashion. Hues tend to look too dark, black line work practically screams out a jagged cry to one's eyes...and after a while, everything sort of starts to..."blend". When asked to describe the look of the show to a friend, my only response was, "Well...there's an awful lot of orange. And brown."

Oh...waitaminnit. Sorry...just had flashbacks to my college art major days...

Anyways, the show looks great on disc.

None to speak of, not even a collection of annoying "sneak peaks" (which generally only have the vaguest connection to the material the disc is devoted to). There is the option, accessible from the menus for each individual episode, that allows the viewer to watch the episode with it's original animated teaser for the next upcoming episode tacked onto the end.

In a world where Saturday morning animated adaptions of film properties tend to be the bastard offspring of the original source material, the one ruled by apes may actually be one of the best...

And, after saying that, I fully expect Chuck Heston to give me a call asking me to turn in my NRA membership card.

Pop Culture Nonsense: Five Superhero Movies So Stupid (They Must Be Seen Part 1)

Five Superhero Films So Bad They Must Be Seen

Being a comuc book fanboy, and a weirdo completist, I tend to watch EVERYTHING that's ever been committed to film that has a comic book source material basis.....and for every THE DARK KNIGHT and CAPTAIN AMERICA : CIVIL WAR,  there's two dozen terrible fucking superhero movies.  And, even amongst the bad, there's a few "gems" that shine despite their ineptitude....the pure unintentional humor value outweighs anything they lack in talent or budget...

CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990, 21ST CENTURY PICTURES)

One the casualties of the collapse of 1980s schlock merchants Cannon Films, CAPTAIN AMERICA is a victim of limited budget and a butchered hatchet job of an edit.

At one point in time, Cannon was looking to cast Dolph Lundgren in the role, but finally settled on Matt Salinger as Steve Rogers aka Captain America (most interesting thing about Salinger: his father was J.D. Salinger, infamously reclusive author of CATCHER IN THE RYE).

  Portraying his arch nemesis is Scott Paulin as an Italian (?!?) Red Skull, who has reconstructive surgery after the war and decides to kidnap the President of the United States (played by Ronnie Cox) 45 years later and has the most unimpressive nuclear bomb in film history as part of his arsenal.

 Also, look for Bill Mumy (Will Robinson of LOST IN SPACE fame, all growed up) and Darren McGavin portraying the same role 45 years apart and Ned Beatty as the President's goofy childhood friend turned reporter.

 Going directly to home video in 1992, the video cassette release of this film went out if print as soon as it hit rental store shelves, and everyone involved pretty much wanted to disown it,  It's scarce nature, as well as the stories of it's complete and utter terribleness garnered CAPTAIN AMERICA a small cult following amongst comic book fanboys.  In 2012, director Albert Pyun offered a director's cut of the film via Sony's burn on demand specialty DV-R service, but the verdict is still out as to whether the nearly hour and a half of cut footage reinserted into the film improves it.

BARB WIRE (1995 Universal Pictures)

Hey, kids!  Titties!

 I don't know whose brilliant idea  it was to take one of Dark Horse Comics'  early 1990s attempts at creating a shared superhero universe (as well as an attempt to cash in on the then current "Bad Girl" character craze....Lady Death, anyone?) and decided to do a dystopian sci fi remake of CASABLANCA (no....really.  I can't make this shit up), cast Pamela Anderson in the Bogart role (and the dude who played Jango Fett in ATTACK OF THE CLONES in the "Ilsa" role)....and then decided to sell the whole mess on the merits of T&A provided by Anderson,......but....I'd like the chance to shake their hand.  It's a spectacular trainwreck of a movie.

Ms. Wire's first comuc book appearance from 1993, and below a more current incarnatiin of the comic

I can't tell if I enjoy Anderson's inability to act (which is epic, trust me) or a genuinely talented ensemble cast of veteran genre picture actors slumming it up in character roles that I enjoy more about this film.  I'd watch Udo Kier read from the phone book, but he does a stellar job of  chewing scenery here.

Jesus Christ.....there's more gaffer's tape holding up her tits than rigging up the lighting in this flick.