Pop Culture Nonsense: Five Superhero Movies So Stupid (They Must Be Seen Part 1)

Five Superhero Films So Bad They Must Be Seen

Being a comuc book fanboy, and a weirdo completist, I tend to watch EVERYTHING that's ever been committed to film that has a comic book source material basis.....and for every THE DARK KNIGHT and CAPTAIN AMERICA : CIVIL WAR,  there's two dozen terrible fucking superhero movies.  And, even amongst the bad, there's a few "gems" that shine despite their ineptitude....the pure unintentional humor value outweighs anything they lack in talent or budget...

CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990, 21ST CENTURY PICTURES)

One the casualties of the collapse of 1980s schlock merchants Cannon Films, CAPTAIN AMERICA is a victim of limited budget and a butchered hatchet job of an edit.

At one point in time, Cannon was looking to cast Dolph Lundgren in the role, but finally settled on Matt Salinger as Steve Rogers aka Captain America (most interesting thing about Salinger: his father was J.D. Salinger, infamously reclusive author of CATCHER IN THE RYE).

  Portraying his arch nemesis is Scott Paulin as an Italian (?!?) Red Skull, who has reconstructive surgery after the war and decides to kidnap the President of the United States (played by Ronnie Cox) 45 years later and has the most unimpressive nuclear bomb in film history as part of his arsenal.

 Also, look for Bill Mumy (Will Robinson of LOST IN SPACE fame, all growed up) and Darren McGavin portraying the same role 45 years apart and Ned Beatty as the President's goofy childhood friend turned reporter.

 Going directly to home video in 1992, the video cassette release of this film went out if print as soon as it hit rental store shelves, and everyone involved pretty much wanted to disown it,  It's scarce nature, as well as the stories of it's complete and utter terribleness garnered CAPTAIN AMERICA a small cult following amongst comic book fanboys.  In 2012, director Albert Pyun offered a director's cut of the film via Sony's burn on demand specialty DV-R service, but the verdict is still out as to whether the nearly hour and a half of cut footage reinserted into the film improves it.

BARB WIRE (1995 Universal Pictures)

Hey, kids!  Titties!

 I don't know whose brilliant idea  it was to take one of Dark Horse Comics'  early 1990s attempts at creating a shared superhero universe (as well as an attempt to cash in on the then current "Bad Girl" character craze....Lady Death, anyone?) and decided to do a dystopian sci fi remake of CASABLANCA (no....really.  I can't make this shit up), cast Pamela Anderson in the Bogart role (and the dude who played Jango Fett in ATTACK OF THE CLONES in the "Ilsa" role)....and then decided to sell the whole mess on the merits of T&A provided by Anderson,......but....I'd like the chance to shake their hand.  It's a spectacular trainwreck of a movie.

Ms. Wire's first comuc book appearance from 1993, and below a more current incarnatiin of the comic

I can't tell if I enjoy Anderson's inability to act (which is epic, trust me) or a genuinely talented ensemble cast of veteran genre picture actors slumming it up in character roles that I enjoy more about this film.  I'd watch Udo Kier read from the phone book, but he does a stellar job of  chewing scenery here.

Jesus Christ.....there's more gaffer's tape holding up her tits than rigging up the lighting in this flick.

DOCTOR STRANGE: Visually Impressive Fanboy Pleasure

I've made no secret in the past that I'm a HUGE fan of the Stan Lee/ Steve Ditko creation known as the Sorceror Supreme,  Doctor Strange (see my over-blandished rant on the subject HERE).  Of all the product that the immensely successful Marvel Studios division of The Disney Company has put into production mining the Marvel Comics properties, DOCTOR STRANGE was the one film I've went into with heightened expectations, scrutinizing every bit of casting,  plot. and piece of production design imaginable.

I loved it.

Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange

Benedict Cumberbatch turns in an impressive performance, which is joyful to watch because he's clearly having fun doing it.  His ability to juggle the arrogance and pathos involved in Strange's comic book backstory (which the film adapts pretty literally) while maintaining the feeling that, deep down, Stephen Strange is a likeable,  funny guy worthy of redemption possessing the merits to finally become a hero is truly something to watch unfold.  Sure....it takes one a few minutes to get over hearing Cumberbatch sans his UK accent...but I blame that on my also being something of a SHERLOCK fan, as well.

The plot of the film is lifted straight from the classic Silver Age issues of STRANGE TALES:  Brilliantly talented, yet arrogant and vain surgeon Doctor Stephen Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch)  suffers injuries in a car crash that leave him with inoperable nerve damage to his hands.  Exhausting his means exploring experimental medical procedures to correct his condition,  he then begins to seek out potential spiritual and holistic cures.  This leads him to Nepal, rumored location of the Ancient One (Tilda Swanson), a supposed spiritual leader possessed of mystic healing abilities. 

Ejiofor as Baron Karl Mordo

 Once accepted into the Ancient One's order of followers,  which includes Karl Mordo (Chitwetel Ejiofor....try spelling that without reference) and Wong (Benedict Wong), Strange is given the knowledge of the order's true purpose: defense of the world from malevolent other dimensional occult and mystic threats.   They do this though educating themselves in ways of harnessing the "Mystic Arts"....which to me appear to work like this:  Imagine that the reality we perceive is basically the interface or desktop to an operating platform....kinda like Windows...and "sorcerors", such as Strange and the like, have figured out the backdoors and cheat code to it, allowing them to bend and change it to their whim...kinda like tinkering with the source code of the Universe's software. 

Mads Mikkelsen as Kaecillius

 It is then that Dr. Strange learns of the plot of one of the Ancient One's former pupils,  Kaecillius (Mads Mikkelsen ), who plans to destroy Earth 's outposts, or Sanctums, of mystical defense allowing an evil otherdimensional tyrant known as the Dread Dormammu into our realm of existence to generally fuck things up for us, good ol' Mankind.

Steve Ditko's original 1960s design for Dormammu,  and a more contemporary interpretation below

First of all....and this is me revealing my deep cut Marvel Comics fanboy underbelly....but, holy shit.   I've finally lived to see a big screen version of Dormammu.  It's impressive, and I'd have liked to have seen the character design go a little more....flamey. ..in the head design....but awesome nonetheless. 

Benedict Wong....Beyonce fan #1

 Real standouts in the supporting cast are Ejiofor as Mordo, Rachel McAdams as Strange's love interest/ connection to his former life, and Bendict Wong, who gets some of the best jokes in the film, the best being his secret love for the music of Beyonce.

The Cloak of Levitation....potential comedy goldmine

 Speaking of funny, the CGI creation that is Strange's Cloak of Levitation,  is a brilliant character all of it's own, and some of the better bits of humor are played out by this whimsical bit of pixel generated garment.

If you're a fan of good adaptations of comic book source material on film, DOCTOR STRANGE is not to be missed.

Kevin Smith's YOGA HOSERS: Total Creative Bliss Through Apathy

  

Now, my opinion on Kevin Smith's  collective works may be biased....I was hooked around the time of CLERKS VHS release back in the day, and have faithfully laid down money to catch the rest of his filmography theatrically since then (seeing DOGMA in the Little Art Theatre in Yellow Springs, Ohio back in 1999 was certainly a trip, simply because the venue has, like, 6 seats).  I've seen him speak live on his college tours, and his podcasts (especially FATMAN ON BATMAN) seem to hit my geeky fanboy sweet spots.  Straight from the gate, upon viewing CLERKS the first time, I became endeared with his work due to identifying with the themes his stories contained.   Yes, at one time, I had a shitty  retail counter job.  Yes, I had friends that I could easily see filling the peripheral and incidental roles in his films.   Yes, I'm a life long comic book and STAR WARS enthusiast.  And, yes....I'm incredibly foul mouthed and have an extensive vocabulary.   So, naturally, I find him to be a kindred spirit.

Kevin Smith as a "Bratzi"

My opinions on his talent and ability as a filmmaker are:
His strengths lie in dialogue.   The cat has a way with words.
His personal aesthetics are ahead of the curve...he was nailing this whole comic book geekery and pop culture reference thing that kids are into these days straight from day one of his career.
His premises generally seem to be highly original....I'm looking straight at CHASING AMY, DOGMA, ZACK & MIRI, JERSEY GIRL and RED STATE when I say this (yes....JERSEY GIRL.  I honestly believe it's a good movie that became a casualty of tabloid romance bullshit.  GIGLI and "Bennifer" killed JERSEY GIRL, not the quality of the film).

Smith has had his missteps.  JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK comes to mind....it's basically IT'S A MAD, MAD WORLD made for Askewniverse fans of the previous decade.

Even COP OUT,  which is generally hated by fans, is a serviceable buddy comedy that's well made, IMO.  But, again, there may be personal bias somewhere in there because I find Tracey Morgan one of the funnier fucking people on this planet.

The Colleens: Harley Smith and Lily Depp

YOGA HOSERS is a completely different beast altogether,  though.

It's a little too short, the plotline seems rushed....there's about four or five really good ideas for individual films...and, it comes off feeling like a vanity project starring Smith's daughter and Johnny Depp's kid.

The two leads, Harley Quinn Smith and Lily Rose Depp, are cute as buttons, and Depp seems to have natural raw talent, delivering her lines with a fluid grace and ease.  Smith, on the other hand,....and I hate to say this because she seems like one of the few cast members that's genuinely having fun....well, half her performance possesses that natural fluidity I mentioned above of Depp's....while the other half feels forced and stiff.   But, in her defense, it is her first time onscreen and she appears to be in the process of figuring out how to be comfortable in front of cameras.

Johnny Depp: Comoletely unrecognizable as Guy Lapointe

The plot is as ridiculous as it sounds....Two 15-year-old yoga enthusiasts (Lily-Rose Depp, Harley Quinn Smith) join forces with a legendary man-hunter (Johnny Depp) to battle Canadian Nazis who take the form of deadly sausages.

I can see where the elder Smith is drawing his influences from for at least this particular film: 1980s low budget Indy horror comedy and goofy cheapjack direct to video Charles Band Full Moon nonsense from the Nineties.  And it feels like one of those films, only the pacing is slightly more breakneck than those movies (if that's possible).
Now.....having said all that, I must admit that I don't think it's a bad movie, as in entertaining....instead it's a really good Bad Movie, something that has potential for midnight and/or cult movie status.   Something in line with, say, PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE.  There's a weird potential for multiple viewings of YOGA HOSERS, due in no short part to the charisma of the two leads.

Plus, I have to applaud Kevin Smith for finally coming to a creative milestone that can only be described as artistic freedom via total apathy.  Smith appears, via interviews and video presentations,  to have come to a point of creative Zen by turning a blind eye and/or just accepting barbs thrown at him by the critical community. ...and simply just telling the stories he seems interested in telling.

Plus, where else can you see the kid from THE SIXTH SENSE all growed up playing a Canadian Nazi. 

Bravo, Mr. Smith....if the truest form of unfiltered artistic expression is one not bound by the opinions of others, ie., the raw, unadulterated,  uninhibited id presented via tactile means....then you've achieved it, sir.